


holding on to memories (and i can't let go)

by candyflossclifford



Series: don't gotta say anything [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Established Relationship, Freeform, I don't know what the hell this is, M/M, Song fic, Unhappy Ending, based on san francisco, it's metaphoric?, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 04:25:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8189911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/candyflossclifford/pseuds/candyflossclifford
Summary: Michael and Luke will always have San Francisco, and maybe that's all they need.





	

**Author's Note:**

> um hi, i'm still alive?  
> sorry for the really long wait for written dreams. i've been busy and lacking motivation lately. but i'm working on chapter 13 now!  
> anyways, i'm not sure what this is? i was thinking about san francisco, and this came to me!  
> i hope you understand it.  
> enjoy!

Michael remembers the last time they left town, and the last time they were happy.

He remembers the roof of Luke's convertible being wide open, music blaring and Luke's laugh wrapping around Michael, causing him to forget how lost and confused they both were, but they didn't care, then. They were new, new to each other and new to relationships, and they didn't know where they were going, but they didn’t care. All they knew is that they wanted to be with each other. 

Even though they had only known each other for a month, Michael knew he was falling in love with Luke. Michael knew he’d never been that deep for anyone before, and it should have scared him. He should have know it would end.

But he didn’t.

Michael had brought a scrapbook and a polaroid camera with him, one he’s been keeping throughout their relationship. They had met because of Michael’s polaroid camera in the first place, when Calum had dragged Michael to a party he didn’t want to be at. But he’d seen Luke, leaning against a tree with a cigarette loose on his lips, and Michael had never seen anyone more beautiful. He’d hidden behind a bush and took the picture, but his flash had attracted Luke, and Michael was so, so embarrassed. But Luke just felt honoured to be the subject of Michael’s camera, and they had ended up making out in one of the upstairs bedrooms, and they’ve stayed together since that night.

Michael’s never been happier.

The first picture Michael takes is of Luke laughing with his sunglasses on his face and his eyes on the road. It's one of Michael's favourite pictures of Luke; because Luke looks so free, so happy, all his troubled thoughts forgotten.

They'd never felt more free than they did then.

They were always tied down with the questioning thoughts of the future, of what life would be like for them, and they’d found each other at the right time. Michael remembers how lost he felt, the only constant in his life his camera and his photos, but now Luke is there, too. 

Michael hoped Luke doesn’t feel lost anymore. He’d hoped he’s enough for Luke, too. But sometimes hope isn’t strong enough for the universe to hear it.

Sometimes Luke would get oddly quiet during their time together, and Michael would pepper his neck with kisses, which then would ease into passionate kissing, or even sex. But Luke wouldn’t talk about anything after - it would just be back to normal.

But Michael didn’t worry. He had no reason to.

Michael has a photo of Luke sleeping in their motel bed, their first stop in a small town on their way to San Francisco, which is the first city sign they’d seen and decided to go there against any better judgment. Michael took it in the morning, and the soft light of sunrise was highlighting Luke’s cheek and his torso that wasn’t wrapped up in the comforter; his face calm, and happy.

Michael had shown Luke the photo when Luke woke up, and Luke just smiled at him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Michael thinks Luke has been acting weird, because usually in the morning they would delve into soft kisses on each other’s necks and stomachs, but towards the end of the month, Luke had seemed to be drifting off. Michael never questioned it, though. He wanted to hold on to what he had, he needed to hold on to Luke.

As they got dressed and Michael came back outside to Luke smoking a cigarette on the hood of his car - which Michael got a picture of, also - getting ready to leave, Michael decided to ask a question. It’s something he’d never really done in their relationship.

“Hey, Luke?” Michael remembers asking, and he remembers Luke throwing his cigarette to the ground and stepping the butt out with his boot.

“Yeah,” Luke had replied, walking past Michael and into the car. Michael knows he was hurt by Luke in that moment, but he also knows he avoided thinking about it. He didn’t want to.

Michael had just followed Luke, like he always does, making sure his polaroid was safe in its case along with the photos. “Why did you, why did you want to get out of town? This early in the summer, together,” Michael had asked, and he’d looked down at his feet and fiddled with his bracelets, because he’d never questioned Luke before.

Michael remembers the way the air seemed to get colder after that, how what once was soft, warm breeze of freedom became a suffocating blanket of ice .He doesn’t know how long it was before Luke replied, and he wasn’t expecting his response, either. 

“To spend time together, you know? In case it ever runs out. Because I love you.”

It sounded simple, when Luke put it that way. But Michael was stuck on “in case if ever runs out.”

Why would their time run out? It was the beginning of summer, they had plenty of time together. And they had no plans for the future - each other was all they’d thought about.

But instead of talking about what was truly bothering Michael, all Michael had said was “I love you, too.”

***

Michael only has one picture of the both of them on their way to San Francisco, and Luke is the one that took it. It’s when they didn’t have a motel for the night, and instead decided to camp out in the car, in an area where you could see stars. The photo is of Michael sleeping on Luke’s shoulder, a blanket over both of them as they watched the stars.

Michael remembers how they’d gotten out of the car and sat together, how Luke had held him the entire time, and Michael never felt more loved. He remembers that conversation they had, too. The conversation that was still a mystery to him, and it’s one he’s still trying to figure out.

“Have you ever wanted to be a star?” Luke had asked, and Michael didn’t know what to say.

“No.”

Luke had shifted and turned towards Michael, and Michael had never seen Luke’s eyes more blue. The stars in the sky and the moonlight were reflecting of of Luke’s irides, and they were so genuine and mysterious that Michael’s breath was caught by the wind.

“It would be nice, wouldn’t?” Luke continued, and all Michael did was listen. “You wouldn’t have to worry about anything. Life, relationships, whatever. You’d just have to worry about staying bright, being beautiful, you’d just have to worry about burning out one day, and that’s it.”

Michael still hasn’t deciphered those words completely, but Michael knows what he’d said in reply, and he wonders if Luke still remembers them.

“But you don’t have to worry about being beautiful, Luke. You’re the most beautiful creation the universe has ever offered.”

Luke didn’t reply. He’d just held Michael tighter, until Michael drifted off to sleep.

***

They’d arrived in San Francisco that third night, and Michael has a picture of Luke staring out at the Golden Gate bridge. 

If only knew that would be the last picture he’d ever take of him.

The street lights had illuminated Luke’s face in the image, and the shadows on his face were contrasting. In the moment, Michael hadn’t seen the look in Luke’s eyes. But on the photo, Michael could.

And what Michael could see was sadness. All Michael saw when he looked at this picture of Luke, now, was a boy who was lost, and never knew where he was going in the first place.

But, in the moment of that night, Michael didn’t see anything. He saw Luke, but he didn’t really see him. He thinks that might be what he regrets the most, about them. Not looking hard enough - and only looking as far as he could to prevent him from getting hurt.

It didn’t work.

They didn’t talk much, that night. And though the memory hurts - Michael needs to remember it. He needs to remember the last night they were together, and the last night he saw Luke.

Michael remembers holding Luke’s hand, how Luke’s kisses seemed harsher, more passionate, how it seemed like Luke couldn’t get enough. Michael just absorbed it, he took in Luke’s love and he felt needed, and wanted. 

When they finally pulled away from each other it was midnight, and the city was quiet now. All they could hear were the soft sounds of car engines and the water below. Before leaving the bridge, though, is the most distinct memory of all.

Luke had turned to Michael, looking worried, almost frantic, almost regretful - but Michael wasn’t paying attention. He never really had.

Luke had taken Michael’s hands in his, and stared straight into his eyes. “You know I love you, right? I always have. There was never a moment I didn’t.”

“I know you do.” Michael had responded, and Luke had leaned down to kiss Michael’s forehead. It’s the most gentle kiss Luke had ever given him, and it felt so intimate, and raw, and Michael knows now that Luke was showing Michael a part of him that the blonde boy had never let anyone else see.

Michael wishes he knew it was a goodbye.

***

The final photo Michael has of their trip is of himself. It’s a picture of him sleeping, taken in the dark, his hair a mess and a smile on his face.

Michael had woken up to an empty bed, and this photo the only thing on the pillow.

Michael had looked around the room, at first, and noticed all of Luke’s belongings were gone, but the car was still parked in front of their window.

Michael remembers how his heart had sped up in fear, and he’d turned back to the polaroid.

He’d picked it up, and noticed that there was black ink on his fingers when he pulled one away. He’d turned the card around, and there, on the back was Luke’s handwriting.

**_I’m sorry._ **

**_I wanted us to go on this trip - because I thought maybe if I just spent time with you, away from everyone and everyone, I wouldn’t feel lost anymore. I wouldn’t feel confused._ **

**_Because I love you, Michael, I do._ **

**_But I still felt lost. I still didn’t feel happy._ **

**_That first night, when we first me, when I saw you take that picture of me, it was endearing. I didn’t know what I was doing, and thought there was nothing to lose, if I went after you._ **

**_Turns out, I did have something to lose, and it was you._ **

**_I didn’t want to lose you, Michael. We haven’t been together for long - but I’ve never felt as strongly for anyone as I did you. I thought you would be enough for me to escape, to forget everything._ **

**_But you weren’t. And I’m sorry._ **

**_I decided to run - it’s what I’m best at. Maybe I’ll finally find my place._ **

**_Maybe it was only with you. But, right now. It wasn’t._ **

**_Maybe we’ll find out way back to each other one day._ **

**_But I need to find myself first._ **

**_I love you._ **

**_Always remember San Francisco, Michael. I promise you that I will._ **

**_\- Luke x_ **

 

Michael remembers feeling numb after reading Luke’s message. How he knew, in that instant, the whole trip was a goodbye.

It was so they could spend as much time together to remember, before Luke left.

And Michael would never see him again.

***

It’s been two months, and Michael still looks at the scrapbook. He closes it, after reminiscing on that final picture, and reading Luke’s message for what has to be the hundredth time. 

He’s been drifting, since Luke left. Michael thinks he was too reliant on Luke. He never truly understood how Luke felt - he was so absorbed in what he felt for himself, how he felt free and happy, he never asked if Luke was happy.

Michael thinks it may be his fault that Luke left, and never truly found happiness. Michael never thought they would end, but he was only thinking about himself, really. Michael should have been more considerate.

But he doesn’t have time to dwell on it.

Michael takes one last look at Luke’s handwriting, before placing the photo back into his book, and placing the book on his night stand.

Hope may not have been enough before - but it’s all Michael has.

And Michael hopes they meet again, one day. He hopes they meet again when Luke’s happy. He knows he’ll never be as happy as he was with Luke.

But, if Michael is never truly happy again, and if his hape fades out into nothingness, he’ll always have the memory of what it was like to be happy.

Michael wants nothing more than to go back to that weekend - where everything was fine, happy, and all they had was each other. But he can’t go back. And if he can’t go back, the memory is enough, no matter how much it hurts.

They’ll always have the memory of San Francisco, and Michael will never forget.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! i hope you enjoyed it! hit me up on [tumblr](https://candyflossclifford.tumblr.com)


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